10 Things Moms Do NOT Want for Valentine’s Day

Valentine's introSometimes Moms like to be thought of as women… Women who are capable of being seen as more than someone to clean up the wreck of a house you both share…Women who like to be pampered… Women who want to be appreciated and celebrated for being just they way they are. When you go to choose a Valentine’s Day Gift for the mother of your children, or are helping the kids plan a Valentine’s surprise for her, keep these ideas in mind… Of what NOT to get for her:

Valentines Bikini

Ashley from Big Top Family shows horror and confusion of receiving a Bikini for Valentine’s Day. Look dude, it’s been a long, cold winter, and believe me, we are ready for warm weather so the kids can go outside and leave us the freak alone, but getting a bikini reminds us of the large amounts of chocolate and Doritos we’ve been eating in the off-season, and the subsequent workout program from Hell that we’ve been avoiding. We don’t want to think about how our shivering pale, unshaven thighs would look like on public display. Feel free to mention that you thought she could use the bikini as “motivation” if you want to be killed. On. The. Spot.

Valentines Kegel Weights

Mary from Outmanned Mommy illustrates the self-conscious feelings of receiving Kegel Weights for Valentine’s Day. We know that our bodies have changed from birthing or children… In fact, it crosses our minds almost every freaking day… and we DON’T want to think about our lack of “firmness and strength” in certain areas of our baby-trashed bodies. Yes, 50 Shades of Gray is the big hot thing right now, and yes, Ben-Wa balls aka Kegel Weights were discussed in the book, but let us buy these on our own time… like Super-Plus Tampons and hair dye.

Valentines Vacuum

Teri from Snarkfest shows us the frustration of receiving a Vacuum for V-Day. I don’t care if you put bows on it, or buy one in a snazzy pink color, but unless this dang thing pours wine (or Scotch) out of the attachment hose for us to drink while we suction up the Legos and dog hair that clutter our kid-wrecked homes, just DON’T DO IT. Even Cosmo the dog knows this man has screwed up royally… look at the hilarious expression on this dog’s face… Even man’s best friend knows when his master is acting like a fool.

Valentine's Jewelry
Jessica from Science of Parenthood shows a familiar scene in Mom world. Yes, it’s sweet when our kids make us something… we spend our lives pouring our hearts and souls into making sure they don’t turn into serial killers, and this little act of love lets us know that we aren’t completely screwing that up, but let’s face the facts. Sometimes we want something lovely that we have broadly hinted at each and every time the cheesy Kay Jewelers commercial comes on TV. If your kids will be making Mommy jewelry for Valentine’s Day this year, go buy her something pretty that you KNOW she will like so that she can alternate between macaroni necklace and a diamond one. That way the kids will understand that you have to wear Daddy’s present, too, so HIS feelings won’t get hurt. That way you won’t be hurting wherever she smacks you for failing to do so.

Valentines Nothing

Oh kind sirs…. just LOOK at Amber of Mommy Needs Wine, Not Whine in this picture. Whatever you do, don’t forget to get her SOMETHING… a card with an amazing handwritten love note from YOU and a bottle of her favorite wine would suffice… but you’d better sleep with one eye open if you ignore the day altogether. In fact Amber makes hilarious, had-painted coffee mugs (or scotch mugs,in my case). One of THOSE would put you on the path to getting some V-Day loving.

Valentines Spanx
Holy moly spicy guacamole, Batman…. do NOT get your woman Spanx, or anything implying that she has too much booty in her pants, for Valentine’s Day. Kelli from It’s Me, Kelli shows the reaction you will get if you dare to buy a slimming aid for the Mom in your life EVER. Also, as Kelli mentioned to me, why on God’s green Earth would you put Spanx on a thin and fit model? Is that supposed to make average-sized women feel like that “all of the skinny chicks” are doing it? No… Just, NO.

Valentine's Crockpot
Meredith from The Mom of the Year reveals another Valentine’s gift of NO. As in no kisses, no thank yous, and no dinner for you if you give the hard-working mother in your home another instrument of work to occupy the counters of your crowded kitchen. But it will make her work EASIER, you say? How about taking her out to dinner and forgetting you ever had this lame idea, okay? Plus, she will probably wonder if you’re hinting that her cooking stinks and she needs something more remedial to serve up some grub.

Valentine's makeup
Dude… do not give me a gift that implies that my skin looks horrific and must immediately be covered with paint. I’m not some wall that the kids have been coloring on, and if you’re scared that my morning hideousness might turn you to stone, a la Medusa, you haven’t seen the looks I will give you.

Valentine's breakfast
Traci of Diary of a Drama Queen’s Mommy shows us the horrors that await the Mom being given a child-designed and executed breakfast for Valentine’s Day. We KNOW how slow they are to wash their hands after blowing their noses, and that their palettes enjoy flavors that ours do not… like FrootLoops and chocolate syrup. If you allow this to take place, the Mom of the house might suggest YOU share this delicious breakfast with her, or you’d better have already made brunch plans for later-on. With extra Mimosas.

Valentine's Scale
Meredith of Bad Sandy is making the face of a woman who has just received a scale for Valentine’s Day. Her expression is one of fighting back tears while simultaneously trying to decide if clunking her husband over the head with the fat-o-meter he so lovingly stupidly gave her. Fellas, if the thought of buying your better half a scale for V-Day ANY OCCASION, Just let that thought go… and then slap yourself across the face for even thinking it.

One disclaimer I will add is that these anti-suggestions do NOT apply if she specifically asks for one of these items… but it would be safer to buy her a GiftCard earmarked for the item she’s asking for… who am I to criticize a woman that ASKS for a Vacuum… her house is undoubtedly cleaner than mine. For Valentine’s Day give her a gift that will make her feel special, beautiful, and someone more than the woman who cleans up your mess, potty trains the kids and isn’t exactly the same physically as the day you met. Hopefully, if you do, she will ignore your shortcomings and celebrate you for being you. Until you do the wrong thing, again.

Comments are closed