By Jessica Azar
For years I’ve thought about making an appointment at the plastic surgeon’s office to discuss breast augmentation. It wasn’t something I really ever seriously considered until after I started having kids… Before that, my small bust size had fit my body well, but even then I always put a lot of pressure on myself to keep my waist small and tummy flat so that I would have a proportionally balanced figure. Since having the Herd, I literally have no bust…. As in, I don’t really even need to wear a bra. I’m pretty good physical shape from running and keeping up with the kids… But even though my stomach is decently defined, not having any bust line at all makes it look like I have a tummy pooch or a belly, when in reality, my stomach is flat. No amount of working out and eating right can fix that. While I’m not an overly vain person…. I’m really not- motherhood took most of that away from me while in the throes of just trying to make it from one midnight feeding to the next… I still like to look nice and have my clothes fit well. And to not look like a 12-year-old boy in a swimsuit. I want to be able to buy the pretty bras, dang it. I’ve realized too, that nowadays I’m putting even more pressure on myself to keep my stomach in unrealistic conditions… So I finally made the decision to go forward with it. Normally I’m a confident person and comfortable with myself, but so far I’ve been unable to resolve this frustration by any other method.
I had have several serious reservations about go through with it, however. For one, will it affect my daughters in any way when they know I’ve had this surgery? Will they think that they should change their bodies to look a certain way or for a certain socially acceptable ideal? Or will they think that I’m ever looking at their bodies critically? I want them to feel completely secure in themselves and with what God gave them. The Princess is old enough to notice what I have done when I come home from surgery… And LLL will also know one day when she’s older. Will my boys think I’m doing this to please their father (which I’m not… He’s always made me feel very attractive) or that women should change themselves to meet a certain mold? They will definitely notice the change in me… Anyone who has ever met me would notice. I can’t exactly figure out how I want to explain this to them… Other than telling them that having children changed my body in lots of ways, just like it changed my heart by growing it four times as big as it was before I had them… And that the doctor is going to help fix some of the changes that happened to my body.
Another crazy thing I’m worried about is that hugging them will feel different to all of us… Yes it’s still my arms wrapping them up in love… But will I be able to feel them as well as I do now when they snuggle up with me at bedtime? Will they like the way my new hugs feel with something between us that wasn’t there before? I know that sounds silly… But hugs and snuggling are important to me. I keep wondering if LLL will feel hurt or unloved when I can’t just pick her up all of the time like I do now. I feel kind of guilty voluntarily putting myself out of commission in some of my jobs as a mother for awhile, when so many moms are put out of commission by things they can’t control.
My hope is that my kids will view this later on as me taking care of myself… And that it’s important for Moms and caregivers to do things that make themselves feel their best, so that they can give their best to those in their care…. That is, if they ever even think of this situation at all. As usual, I’m probably over thinking things, but this really is a big decision in my eyes… For a lot of reasons. Many moms have written about being proud of their post-baby bodies, and I commend them. I really, really do… But I think that doing what you can do to feel your absolute best is also important, so I’m choosing to do what I think will make me feel even better about my body. Part of me is scared to post this, knowing that some will judge me as being selfish or ridiculous… But I feel like NOT taking care of my self mentally and physically is more selfish and ridiculous, because it can lead to resentment and worse on my part and those I take care of if I fail to do so. I will be updating with my thoughts and experiences following the surgery!