I’m so excited to be the Featured Assassin on Nicole Leigh Shaw’s Character Assassination Carousel! CAC is like a Public Service Announcement to other parents to warn them about the heinous characters in children’s books and TV shows. It’s really charity work that we are doing. Sarah of Live, Life, Love assassinated Pinkalicious on the last edition of CAC, and it will be hard act to follow…
But Peppa must be taken down. It’s my duty. After you read my assassination of Peppa Pig, you MUST go read some of the older posts on the list…. I promise you it’s totally worth it. And remember… Just Say No to Peppa.
Peppa Pig…. Oh how I loathe you. Not as much as Caillou, the bald brat whose whining sounds like nails in chalkboard, Or even Ruby of Max and Ruby, that overbearing sister bunny…. But I have officially had enough of you and the ideas you’re putting into my children’s heads. I’m convinced that you actually WANT to get your little impressionable fans into trouble… You’re truly more diabolical than your outward appearance suggests. Let’s look at your offensive behaviors, one by one, shall we?
1)Jumping in Muddy Puddles
Okay Peppa…. I get it. I understand that you’re a pig, and pigs like mud, and that you’re overly permissive Mom (Mummy Pig) even jumps in the muddy puddles with you at times. Heck, your father, Daddy Pig, was even the World Champion Puddle Jumper in one episode, and you aspired to break his record… But dragging my kids into the muck with you is not making me a happy Mommy… And if Mommy ain’t happy, ain’t NOBODY happy. First, you instructed them that they MUST wear their BOOTS to jump in the muddy puddles… Well they took that to mean that Cowboy boots, which my boys wear to church with their khaki pants, (these are dress boots, Peppa, not hunting boots) were acceptable for puddle splashing. The Princess, a couple of years later when it was time for HER obsessions with you, decided that her furry house shoe boots were good for puddle jumping. Not the case my porcine friend… Not the case at all. Not only did she wail when I threw the disgusting boots away because they were unsalvagable, she begged non-stop for rain boots, which we don’t own or see as a necessity, so that she COULD jump in puddles. So I had to shell out money for all four of the Herd Members to get rain boots because I needed that last shred of sanity I’d been clinging to so desperately… And they wouldn’t stop asking. They cited your puddle jumping prowess, and chalking it up to you having the correct footwear. They thing is that when they stomp in the muddy puddles, it splashes up onto their clothes, too. I already do three loads of laundry a day to keep my head above water, Peppa. I don’t need extra dirty clothes to wash.
2)Falling Down and Kicking Your Legs in the Air
Peppa… You little Bacon Bit… Everytime you think something’s funny, you and your friends all flop down on the ground, no matter where you are…and kick your legs in the air while laughing like stoned hyenas at whatever mildly funny thing made you go crazy. Peppa, people only get THAT tickled over something mildly funny if they’re stoned or drunk… And I’m hoping you are neither. Thanks to you, my kids have done this in public places, pretending to be you and your hooligan menagerie of friends. It results in them getting in trouble, and in me getting hacked off. Do you know what happens when I get irritated, Peppa? I delete shows from the DVR. Yep. All ten of your currently saved shows could POOF disappear. Cut it out.
3)Bullying Your Parents
Peppa… How do I say this… You’re rude as hell. Apparently no one has ever told you, but it’s bad manners to call your parents names and scold them. I can promise you if one of my children rebuked me with a “Naughty Mommy!” when I’ve messed something up that the situation would not end well for them. Also, the constant commenting on your father’s overweight condition is both tiresome and degrading. You’ve even used the words “Daddy’s Big Tummy” as a password for your clubhouse. Hurtful, I say, you little swine… Hurtful. I constantly remind my kids NOT to comment on people’s physical appearances unless they have something positive to say…. And now they think joking on large bellies is funny and okay to do… Because YOU do it, Peppa. And yes, ok…. Sometimes fat jokes are funny… But having my two year old point at a newly postpartum mother in the grocery store and say “Big Tummy!” Is both mortifying and scary. THAT is not funny, Peppa. Postpartum hormones are wicked, and having endured this myself, I know that I might’ve gone crazy on anyone who commented on my stomach before it retracted. Think of my child, Peppa… A mom could go crazy on her, and it would all be your fault. Not cool. Besides, take a look at yourself, darlin’…
Your head is shaped like a pink hair dryer. Or a referee’s whistle. And you never change clothes. How would you like it if people started pointing this out to you?
4) You ARE a freaking Chatterbox-
In one episode you and that annoying Suzie Sheep got into a fight because you couldn’t shut up. Ever. And then you realized that you were, in fact, a chatterbox. You whined to good ole Daddy Pig about your realization, and instead of suggesting you only talk when you have something worthwhile to say, or offering to help you conquer your problem, he tells you that it’s not a bad thing to be a chatterbox, and to never change. He’s a spineless pig swine that’s scared to confront you…. Which makes me dislike you even more. Parents who can’t guide their children because they’re scared of upsetting them hack me off…. And since no one else will tell you, I’m taking it upon myself to tell you that talking too much is not ok. Cultivate a mental filter. Stat. My four year old daughter, The Princess, has difficulty being quiet. She talks all of the freaking time… And while I do love to hear what she has to say, there’s a large portion of the time that she’d be better off staying quiet. For all of sakes. When I told her she was being a chatterbox the other day, she CHEERED, Peppa, because she said now she’s like you.
5)You’re a Brat
Because of your bad, disrespectful behavior and your parents lack of discipline, I have had to constantly back up my threats of consequences when my children step out of line…. This would seriously cut into my “relaxation time” if I had any. Remember the time Daddy Pig told you to be careful with your bike around his prize pumpkin? And you challenged all of your friends to a race TO said pumpkin? You knew what you were doing. I saw through you. But Daddy Pig, being the spineless swine that he is, just offered to make you pumpkin pie with the destroyed prize pumpkin instead of punishing you for disobeying. What the actual FREAK, Peppa?! You and your degenerate parents just taught my kids that they can do whatever they want, ignore my rules and still be rewarded. You look at the HPIC (Head Pigs in charge) sheepishly for about a second, then your they burst into laughter and you’re given a treat. Every. Time.Not so in THIS house. I’ve had to keep proving you wrong, Peppa, and I’m over it. I’d have you crying bacony tears within about 10 minutes of being in this house. And just TRY playing baseball with my bottles of Scotch…. You’d never play baseball again. Come to think of it, I might be willing to sacrifice some Scotch (not the really good stuff though) to rid the world of your troublemaking ways.
Tune in next time for another episode of Character Assassination Carousel over at It’s Really 10 Months