Yoga has been my go-to for stress relief and exercise for years. Guaranteed kid-free quiet for an hour, fighting the mom weight, and justifying drinking Starbucks Frappacinos is a triple win in my book. One of the funny things about the hour of basic mental solitude is that my inner-dialogue (like those of most women) runs nonstop. I find myself noticing things, making mundane observations, and developing creative ideas, all while bending myself into strange poses that leave me relaxed and in better shape. Here are many of the thoughts that I and many other women (I’m sure!) have during yoga class:
1) I just love the color of my new mat! I wonder if anyone else notices it… yep, ladies I’m a regular.
2) Oh hell no…. That is MY spot. Who does she think she is?
3) Crap. I should’ve made a trip to the ladies room before we got started. Now if I leave I will disturb the the Darth Vader breathing and everyone will LOOK at me. Better hold it.
4) Yes, yes we know. Going back to Child’s pose is the protocol if we get too tired and need a break. Like I’d need a break… or go to the mercy pose if I did. It’s like tapping out, and this is Power Yoga… I’m a regular and therefore powerful. No breaks needed.
5) Modifications? No thank you. I’m here for the real deal… well maybe I will take a block just in case. Or to make the others feel less self-conscious. Because I will NOT need this block.
6) …. Did that girl just fart? Note to self: Don’t eat Mexican food the night before yoga. She OBVIOUSLY didn’t get the memo.
7) Damnit. I ate Mexican food last night. Great.
8) I am so bendy! Just call me Gumby! Check out my Pigeon, yo! Maybe I should teach yoga…
9) This is a stupid pose. I don’t need to be able to sit flat on my heels anyways… My kids never let me sit still.
10) I know I’m wearing yoga pants, but should I actually brag to people that I did yoga today? No, that would mess up the ambiguity of yoga pant wearing. There will be days when I would rather people assume I’m being healthy and not pounding Cinnabon.
11) The instructor’s voice is so soothing. I wonder if she’s ever been mad in her life or yelled at her kids for throwing pancakes… No, of course not. I’m being silly… all of this yoga makes her positively zen. Liquor keeps me from completely coming unglued most days. Maybe I should do yoga while I have a cocktail for a double effect.
12) Everytime she says ‘chakra’ I think of Chaka Khan. Hehe.
13) Do Sun Salutations feel better at sunrise? Not that I’ll ever know, but they sure as heck don’t feel good at 6 PM.
14) Yikes… Why can’t I ever remember to fix my nasty, chipped-up toenail polish? Maybe if I curl my toes under people won’t see.
15) Okay, bad idea. Do NOT try to curl your toes under while in a downward dog. OUCH.
16) There’s no way that woman’s level of flexibility is healthy. Unless she’s a contortionist.
17) Yoga is about our own individual practice… I need to focus on MY breath and what MY body is saying.
18) I know we’re all doing it, but I still feel weird saying OM with the group.I can’t be the only one trying to stifle my giggling.
19) Shivasana, the corpse pose, is correctly named because I feel freaking dead right now. Lying on the gym floor is kind of gross, but I don’t care. It’s like Kindergarten nap time for big people, but no one ever goes to sleep.
20) ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…… SNORT! I feel so refreshed. Gotta head to the Childwatch for pickup. Tension returning in 3…2…1… Hey Kids.
Whatever you think about during exercise class, keep going. Not only will your saddlebags thank you, you just might solve the world’s problems with your streaming deep thoughts during yoga class. Or at least notice new leggings patterns and the hilarious faces people make when they’re trying to bend themselves into a pretzel.