Pirates and Groceries

Pirates and Groceries

It never fails… when I think I have an “easy” day lined up, karma, the Devil, Murphy’s Law, and the kitchen sink all join together to prove me wrong. Last week I had the pleasure of living through one of those days. Now that I am homeschooling the boys, they are with me all day, every day, wherever I may go. After dropping off the girls at preschool, the boys and I headed to the grocery store because our pantry was bare… like really bare… these people are like locusts. Despite my knowledge of history and the insanities that have happened at the grocery store in the past, I remained delusional hopeful and focused on the Tazo Chai Tea Latte concentrate I was craving.

Hey, I bribe them to do things they don’t want to do… it’s only fair that I bribe myself with the promise of caffeine.

I dragged them all around the store… intermittently yelling at them, breaking up fights, demanding they quit throwing onions, and all the while reassuring myself that this was EASY compared to the times I have all four kids with me to buy food. Easy is relative for moms with a bunch of kids, because hauling these Martin and Lewis to the store is never a cakewalk. And this particular trip really wasn’t that bad (relatively speaking)… Until we went to the checkout lane.

After loading my vast amount of weekly groceries onto the belt, I stood at the end of the lane and waited to pay. Sundance, the six-year-old, walked up to where I was standing and noticed that the man bagging our groceries was wearing an eyepatch. I heard him say to the man, “So…. How long have you been a pirate, sir?”, all while looking him very seriously… As if he were interviewing him for a news article. He all but tapped his face as he waited for a response.

I think I swallowed my gum… either that or it just fell out of my mouth and landed somewhere inconvenient. I mentally braced myself for this man to be offended and either start yelling or cop an attitude, but instead he said, “Not too long… For a few weeks”.

Thank GOD this man had a sense of humor! I started to feel relieved, but then Sundance continued, “How did you get your pirating job? Are they hiring?”.

No. No no no no no. Seriously, son? I took a step towards them to snatch him Sundance back into with my Grip of Doom… The kids know that if I use it they should immediately silent… For their own good. Meanwhile the grocery bagged answered, “Well I applied at the pirate agency, and I have experience in sailing and treasure-hunting”.

Blown away, I thanked the man for bagging our purchases, grabbed my grocery buggy (that’s a cart for all of y’all outside of the South) and hastily ushered my heathens towards the door. Once we were out of the man’s earshot, I said “SON… You cannot go around asking people things like that! You could’ve upset him… People need eyepatches for all sorts of medical reasons. Just because he had on an eyepatch doesn’t mean that he’s a pirate! You DO KNOW that’s he’s not a pirate, right?!”.

He turned around as I stood there exasperated, and grinned a sneaky smirk as he said, “I know he’s not a pirate… I just wanted to see what he would say.” He spun back around and took off after his brother who was terrorizing the birds sitting on our car.

It makes me wonder how many of the constant questions that he asks ME are less than sincere, and actually just a ruse to see what I will say… I was momentarily hurt by his underhandedness, but then I realized that I could have a lot of fun with this. Go ahead, son… ASK me where babies come from…

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