After becoming a parent, I was forced to get over things that used to freak me out. Nasty poopsplosions, the gore and guts in horror movies, the dark… (OK, I admit I am still freaked out by the dark, but if one of my kids needs me, I am willing to — and have had to — suck it up and plow into the unknown to reach them).
Indeed, Halloween costumes that would’ve once startled me are now only dignified with a raised eyebrow or a smirk. Last night my husband, the High Roller, and I went to a local Haunted Hayride that’s legendary in our area, and I was surprised at how little the scary stuff actually frightened me (even though this is a REALLY good, convincingly scary hayride). The last time I went on this Haunted Hayride was 12 years ago when I was 19, four years before I became a mother, and I can remember being terrified of the spooky ghosts and monsters we encountered during the attraction. I might have even left bruises on my now-husband’s arm from grabbing him when something scared me. Those days are gone, but I have become increasingly aware of OTHER things that now scare me… things that aren’t scary until AFTER you have kids… and if one of these things came to my door, I would probably pee in my pants and hide.
I am proud to present to you a collection of these post-childbearing horrors in costume form. Prepare to scream, slam the laptop shut in fear and never look at your kids the same way again. Because unlike Freddy Krueger or Jason Voorhees, these horrors really do exist… and might actually come knocking on your door one day.
1. Head Lice
Deva at My Life Suckers horrifies us with the itchy sensation of head lice! All kids are at risk, and parents never know when they will strike! The only treat I would be giving is prescription hair shampoo!RAISE THE KIND OF PERSON YOU’D LIKE TO KNOWSubscribe to our parenting newsletter.Successfully Subscribed!Realness delivered to your inbox
2. The Girl at Mardi Gras with Beads up to Her Ears
Kristen Mae of Abandoning Pretense strikes fear into the hearts of every parent with this costume. No mom wants to think about her daughter flashing “the goods” for beads while she gulps down hurricanes and hand grenades in the French Quarter.
3. Teen with PMS
Those of us with daughters know that the day will come when they hit puberty… and with puberty comes PMS. The thought of two PMSing daughters clashing with my own haywire hormones is enough to strike me down with fear… Traci from Life of a Drama Queen’s Momma reminds us to give her the chocolate-covered Midol so NO ONE GETS HURT!
4. The Teen Who Gets Brought Home by the Police
Uh-Oh. No matter how old our kids get, Julianna from Rants From Mommyland reminds us that we never want to meet this angry face at the front door with our spawn in handcuffs… although, if it does happen, mine had better be begging for mercy instead of candy.
5. The Freshman Girl Who Goes to Prom with a Senior
It’s scary to contemplate our kids entering the minefield of teenage dating, and even more terrifying when a senior dude asks your precious little freshman daughter to prom. My husband, The High Roller at Herd-Management, might follow them to the dance, shotgun in hand, instead of just waiting on the front porch for them to get home.
6. The Neighbor With 20 Kids and a Yard Full of Dog Poop
Most of us want our kids to have friends over to play occasionally, but there are always those moms in the neighborhood or playgroups who take advantage of our hospitality. These women think it’s perfectly acceptable to drop their gaggle of kids off at your house, unannounced, so they can go do fun things. Lynn at Nomad Mom Diary depicts the terrifying scenario of the neighbor with a Duggar amount of kids showing up on your doorstep attempting to dump her children on you as she flicks a cigarette into your petunias.
7. Common Core Math Homework
Just ask any parent with a kid in elementary school… Math homework was hard enough before Common Core went and blew all logic and practical reasoning to hell… Now it’s an absolute nightmare to have Common Core Math Homework enter your front door. In this picture, Stephanie at When Crazy Meets Exhaustion correctly gives the answer to ALL CC Math problems: WTF?!
8. A Chemist … with a Meth Lab
There’s a kid in every neighborhood or group who’s cooking up something in his basement that he shouldn’t be messing with. You REALLY don’t want to see HIM at your door, because he’s probably going to play a trick on you or let your kids sample his “treats.” Jessica at Science of Parenthood reveals the horror that awaits you if you don’t have his favorite candy in the bowl.
9. College Expenses
As much as we all want our kids to excel and get into a good college, when that acceptance letter comes through the door, every single dime you’ve been saving runs out to meet it. Michelle at Mommy Back Talk shows us the deceptively sweet disguise of financial ruin.
10. Pet Hoarder
Everyone hates it when the neighbor with a ridiculous amount of pets allows them to run wild and leave “treats” all over everyone else in the neighborhood’s lawn. Ashley at Big Top Family reminds us of the disgusting and smelly facts of living next to a pet hoarder…
11. YOU, as a Teen
Sigh… perhaps one of the hardest realizations in parenting is that we are raising a child EXACTLY like ourselves… and that struggle multiplies when a daughter starts dating a sketchy dude she met at Target and she LOVESSSSSS him. Amanda from Questionable Choices in Parenting shows us the horror she might be looking at in a few years…. when her daughter becomes the teenager she once was.
12. Boomerang Kid
Oh no…. you’ve sent them off to college with all they needed to succeed, and the beer-drinking good times have gotten the best of their grades and um, admission status. Chrissy from Full Metal Mommy shows us the horror of “They’re BACCCCKKK”… with laundry bag and guitar in hand.
13. The Stomach Flu
No. NO NO NO NO NO. When the stomach flu comes knocking at your door, You SLAM it. Kathryn at Foxy Wine Pocket shows the nasty effect a stomach virus can have on a holiday.
14. That Person at the Door Who Just Needs a “Minute” of Your Time
Jennifer at Real Life Parenting makes us remember the times we wish that others would keep the “opportunity” of their treats to themselves… Because whenever they knock on your door and need just a “minute” of your time to change your life with insurance or a new business or innovative productive or a Watchtower pamphlet, your kids will run around destroying your house while you’re held hostage at the door… for much more than just a minute.
15. Toddlers Who Won’t Sleep
All parents know the pain of sleep deprivation… And Stacia at Dried On Milk shows us the adorable mask of nightly terror!
Just like we never really know what’s waiting behind the door when we hear a knock, or who’s really behind the mask of a Halloween disguise, we also never know what tricks or treats will be waiting for us along the perilous journey of parenthood.
Have a great Halloween with your kids, enjoy them in their adorable costumes and try not to think about the horrors that lurk beyond the happiness of the evening.
Like the Halloween candy detox.